What am I doing??… Where am I??… Why am I even here??… Have I really lost my mind, like so many have accused me of over the years, because of my decisions to be radically obedient to the Word of God and the voice of the Holy Spirit??… Have I actually lost my way like I’ve been said to have??… Is there even any use staying here in this place any longer??… Is there even any hope for this seemingly “accursed” people group, who when things get tough always seem to turn back to their default setting of brokenness and witchcraft??… Am I taking the “making disciples” thing too seriously??… Do I need to slack up and just focus on getting professions of faith like almost everyone else I know does it, and then count heads real quick before they return to the slime they stuck their heads out of to say yes??… After all, Christian missionaries have been through this dark place several times over the last hundred and fifty years, and every village has at least one or more church in it.
What in the world would possess me to think that I can get these people to see that their ancient animalistic beliefs that they’ve mixed the name of Jesus Christ into is not going to save them, if none of the others before me could? Am I actually that radical, arrogant, hard headed turd I’ve been dubbed as by many pastors (in the States and here), who refuses to play by the rules of the church? How can I prove my sanity anymore, when I’ve been drug into court eleven different times by pastors in the area and leaders from my own village, trying to make me conform to their wickedness or be expelled from their country? What argument could be made with good sense, that staying is the right thing to do. After all, many of the people, including pastors we’ve spent countless hours and weeks teaching them about our loving God and salvation, have decided that if our God requires holiness and accountability they want nothing to do with Him or us, and went back to their form of god that they grew up with. Then joined the group that hates us and the truth that exposes their folly, and fight against us and the work of the gospel. So maybe I am out of my mind…
Maybe I am….Yes, indeed I am out of my mind… I know this has to be true. Because if I would be in my right mind, I would be back in the States building beautiful homes, raising all our food from the land, and doing many other things I love to do, not having to depend on anyone else. I would be seeking after more money and resources to make my life and the life of my wife and children and grandchildren happier on this earth. Indeed I have lost my mind…
Yes, I remember very well the day I lost my mind… I remember giving it away willingly. And I remember very vividly what happened in that moment of hopelessness after asking for a pardon in the name of Jesus, and I decided to trust God with not only my mind, but also my heart, my entire life, my wife, my children, and everything I owned. He gladly took all of it, and then He gave me the mind and the life of Christ. So it’s no wonder that people say I’ve lost my mind, because I have! Galatians 2:20, I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me. So, what am I doing? Doing what Christ has told me to do… Where am I? Where God’s Spirit call me to… Why am I here? Because the Spirit of God called me here… Have I lost my mind? Yes, including the human reasoning that went with it, and I operate in the mind of Christ who understands all things, even when common sense disagrees…
Is there even any use staying in this place any longer? Obviously there is, because the Spirit has not yet released me to leave… Is there even any hope for these people, who’s hero is Judas, and their actions are like that of the serpent. Yes, with Christ there is always hope. I am willing to continue to hold up the banner of Hope and the beacon of the Light of everlasting Life, even if this generation will not accept it, because there is another generation following who is watching intently. Even if 99 beat me down, spit me in the face, curse me, withstand me to the face, and try to kill me, I will continue for the sake of the one lost sheep who is eager for a Savior…
Am I taking the “making disciples” thing too seriously? No… this is a direct command of Jesus, and disobedience to my Savior and Lord is not an option for me. What would incline a servant to think that they could devise a plan that works more effectively than the plan of their all knowing Lord? Was it not my Lord who was followed by thousands and thousands of people who believed that He was the Savior of mankind, yet turned their back on Him when He told them what it takes to be His disciple? Is He not the same God that forbid the Israelites to count their people, so they wouldn’t trust in their own numbers? Is it not this very counting heads tactic that has caused the decay and fall of Christianity in the modern world? Was it not this very head counting practice that has created this awfully horrendous stench of “Christianity” in this place I’ve been called to minister? How different this area might be, had someone taken the time to live their life in discomfort in a semi hostile environment to make disciples of this people group.
But I know, not reporting back with numbers of heads is unacceptable with many organizations who look at the numbers to see if the effort is worth the money invested to keep the missionary there. So, even as hard as it is to not have a set income amount to depend on every month, but always having to live in faith that God will supply for the needs, I praise Him for setting us up this way. Because this way He is the one in control of us staying here, and doing what He has called us to do. If I am the one He has called to live my whole life here, and there is only one true disciple to show for it, I will gladly do it…. yes, gladly… gladly most of the time. And if there is not one, I will die believing that the work He has called me to is not in vain.
Lord help me keep my eyes on you, and not on the things going on around me, or what people say about me, so I will do it gladly. And you know I cannot make these people understand, but I know you can, so I keep putting my trust in you. 08/09/20 Eli Lee
